Anxiety BUSTERS

                                    Healthy Living with
                        Dr. Ronnie Freedman
                                      Natural Health Articles by Dr. Ronnie Freedman

    You do not have to sacrifice kindness or a giving nature to utilize self-preserving assertive behavior. Constantly saying "Yes" when you mean "No," eventually results in a blow to your self-esteem and self-worth. Confidence plummets, as you become dependent upon the approval of others. Worst of all, you begin to believe your opinion means nothing, leading to an abdication of personal power. Saying what others what to hear may soothe you momentarily but most pay dearly  in the end. The result is monumental as you live to please others, without a thought to your own essential needs..

    A good example is the mother of a large family who feeds everyone except herself. She is selfless and admired by all...BUT, she eventually succumbs to malnutrition and falters due to ill health, causing her children to suffer in the long run. She failed to see, her own nourishment was necessary to care for those who depended upon her. You must nourish yourself both physically and emotionally, so those who are important to you in your life will benefit. It is wonderful to aid others but too often complete self-sacrifice serves to weaken and enforce anger and resentment. There is a happy middle ground. Learn to believe in yourself and the benefits will trickle down to all in your life.

    Many believe if they are selfless to a fault, the result will be "constant"  love, affection, and protection from the negative side of life. They believe if they let down all their boundaries completely, they will be forever protected from disappointment. They are sure if they are funny, pleasing and helpful in every single circumstance,  they will ensure the loyalty of all. 

    Believe it or not, studies conclude that the majority of people respect those who are forthright in  their beliefs, opinions, and judgments. Often a parent is overheard complaining about the outspoken child in the family...yet a clearly detectable, underlying pride surfaces in their tone concerning this "feisty" offspring. . This is not to suggest one abandon a "kind", "caring" nature, in favor of a "tougher" attitude…but, on the other hand, habitual selfless "people pleasers"  want to rethink their behavior. 

    Those who aim to please, at all costs believe they will gain:

                    -Love
                    -Respect
                    -Safety
                    -Protection

         After all, who would ever "hurt"  the "good guy?"

They believe they will be forever spared:

                    -Rejection
                    -Abandonment
                    -Emotional Pain
                    -Disapproval

    This is illustrated in The Disease to Please by Harriet Braiker, PhD

    Dr. Braiker suggests that many people rely on magical thoughts to ward off perceived danger or abuse.  If one is always "nice," to everyone, regardless of circumstances they will be "safe."  She also suggests this constant need for approval could become an emotional addiction, if one is not cognizant of their actions. She proposes the individual learn to say "No" when they mean it…and "buy time" before automatically responding to a request. This is accomplished by sentences such as:
                     "I'll have to check my calendar."
                     "I may have a commitment...I'll get back to you."
                    " Hold on a moment while I find my appointment book."

    Assertiveness is an essential factor when people pleasing gets out of hand. Taking command of one's decisions is of major importance. Taking ownership of ones personal opinions, beliefs and judgments, is a step in the right direction. Tapping into one's authentic self...opens up the doors to freedom. Knowing your own choices is eye-opening and empowering.         Unexpressed, authentic emotions result in the accumulation of  internal energy, resulting in anger flare-ups, anxiety, depression, or emotional difficulties. Be true to your authentic feelings... STEP-UP and be heard. Own your opinion, increase your power. Self reliance is contingent upon self approval, rather than approval from an outside source. 

   For further information on this topic check out our
     Authentic Living for Emotional Fitness program.

By Dr. Ronnie Freedman  copyright © 2007

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